"They creep in on me in broad daylight, when daily reality for all its senses seems so peaceful and resolute. And yet I am a prisoner in my own mind; trapped in my own mental fog. A mere thought, a mere flashback of a traumatic event in my mind will take the brightness of the sunny day and tarnish the luster of life that day with a feeling of despair – inducing a chain reaction of even more traumatic fight or flight – as if my brain truly wants to self destruct – and somewhere deep inside, despair because I could not control my own thoughts; frightened of fear itself. They overwhelmed me, and I could feel my pulse rising; my parasympathetic nervous system betraying me. All sense of security seems to have left me. If hell is partially based on a state of consciousness, whenever this would happen, I’ve reached a level of it. The mind – the fears, I should say, have a hold on me that I cannot control.
That is how I could feel daily if I look around and believe all the human made misery and imperfection around me was absolute reality. There is very little sense of inspiration as I see it. Not when our whole currency is built on a lie, and our sense of pastime is all about wanting to escape reality. It all seemed so confusing, so maddening to me. But it’s amazing that a few nights outside of civilization, staring at the trees long enough, running away until I drew solace out there, I could detox. The mind defragments and it realizes that some sick unideal side of me was playing tricks on me once again. Perspective is so hard to grasp hold of. So hard to see outside of the optical illusion when you live in the illusion.
It finally got to the point where I realized these fear scars were too much. I was terrified I could never be free of them. I had to go on a quest on this one – unfortunately, not all quests are simply physical direction based. One can’t just physically run away when you carry your prison wherever you go. I had to keep wondering though; what makes my mind so weak? Was it diet, nutrition? It couldn’t just be merely that. Physically, I noticed I felt great most of the time, if only I didn’t have a carnal mind.
So I walked through enough deep forests until a voice finally told me, ‘fleeting thrills; temporary gratification unbridled’ a training of the cognitive brain to fight against my own idealized state: indifference, impatience, short-sightedness, social media-hand-held cell phone technology. Anything that makes you more or less a glutton to spiritual debauchery.
And then finally, a weight lifted as a light went off in my head. A mere thought restored my pulse back to normal, just as it could do the other way around. I just don’t have to think too hard about this, no more than when I was a kid and could forget trauma just like that, because I was naturally built to be so in focus to the present that I wasn’t trapped in my own fears. Maybe that is truly what youth is being all about.
I had to wonder if there was anything else responsible for this, and I went further and further down the rabbit hole: and it came to me again. A psychiatrist once said to me, no matter what anyone EVER tells you. You truly have free will. YOU actually have the ability to not let the spirit of fear overwhelm you, no matter how bad it gets. We just discovered from science that fear and despair chemically poisons our body, shifting us out of equilibrium. If that’s true, then perhaps controlling this emotion itself regardless of circumstances is a key to really overcoming fear scars. It will at least set us up to take appropriate actions so we can think clearly and finally make the right decisions to start solving our problems that very day. Despite of the torture of the physical world around us then from time to time, we don’t have to give in to despair either; as medical science shows us how profitless both of these things are too us ; what they do to our neurochemistry is not beneficial. They profit us nothing. Now to control THAT–– that is being a true warrior––one that can not only master physical plains, but metaphysical ones as well.
“If I have the gift of prophecy, and know all mysteries and all knowledge; and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but don't have love, I am nothing.” -- 1 Corinthians 13:3"